Whenever high school coaches get together socially, the conversation eventually turns to parents. Everyone has horror stories about parents behaving badly. Being competitive creatures by natures, the conversations come to have a “Can you top this?” quality about them.
Like their young student-athletes, parents need coaching. Sometimes the parents need more coaching than the youngsters. Far too often we ready stories about parents abusing coaches, officials, even their own children in public.
Last basketball season, the parent of a public-school player got into an argument with an official after a game at Trinity High and punched him. The story made the newspapers and the TV newscasts. It was humiliating for all concerned, but not untypical of what can happens when parents act like children.
So here at the beginning of the new academic year, I’m putting the whistle around my neck and designating myself as Coach Reed. In the next few paragraphs I’m going to give parents a game plan for behavior. Any parent who deviates from the plan risks dismissal from the team – or worse.
These thoughts aren’t original. In fact, they were sent to me by my friend Lloyd “Pinky” Gardner, who found them on line at Ooph.com, a website devoted to parenting skills.
(Editor’s note: If you haven’t heard of Lloyd, you haven’t been paying attention to the Kentucky sports scene. He was a trainer for the legendary Ed Diddle and Johnny Oldham at Western Kentucky University in the 1960s, the athletic trainer for the Kentucky Colonels of the ABA in the 1970s, and a championship basketball coach at Fairdale High in the 1980s and ‘90s.)
Besides Pinky, I also sought the advice of former coaches Kenny Trivette, Wayne Martin, and Mike Pollio. Martin talked about “helicopter parents” whose lives revolve around their child until they fail to live up to expectations. Then the parents blame the coach for not giving their budding LeBron enough playing time, or something similar.
Here, then, are Coach Reed’s rules.
* Always remember that it’s about them, the kids, and not you. Do not try to live your sports dreams through your kids. Let them make their own choices, good or bad.
* Never talk to a coach about your child’s playing time. Mike Pollio, who coached high school basketball before going on to a career in D-I, told me, “I always told parents I’d talk to them about anything but basketball. If a player had a complaint, he – not them – should come to me.”
* Never yell at referees. They are honorable people trying their best to do a difficult job without much remuneration. When you abuse a referee or try to intimidate one, it makes you look like a jerk. If you feel you have a legitimate grievance against an official, you should take it to the local supervisor of officials.
* Do not try to coach your child from the sidelines. Your job is to cheer, not coach. If you want to coach, volunteer at the lowest level and work your way up. The one thing you don’t want to do is confuse your child and destroy his or her confidence in the coach.
* Always keep in mind that you have a much better chance of winning the lottery than seeing your child play professional sports. The chances are only slightly better than your child is good enough to earn a college athletic scholarship. So don’t try to pressure your child into being something that he or she can’t. That will make it easier on everyone.
* Youngsters should play the sport in season until they are in middle school. That’s plenty early for them to decide which sport or two they would like to emphasize. As former pitcher John Smoltz noted in his Hall-of-Fame induction speech, youngsters who are pushed into one sport too fast run a greater risk of injury and/or burnout.
* If you can’t be content with being a cheerleader, it’s better to say nothing than to become “that parent” who rants and raves. Former Kentucky coach Adolph Rupp’s cardinal rule for his practices was, “Don’t speak unless you can improve the silence.”
* If you find yourself raging during games, it’s probably time to step back and ask yourself why you’re behaving so badly. Your behavior is not normal. Something is out of whack. You might need professional help with anger control.
When my younger daughter was in high school, she once dated a football player. The kid had some talent, but he was humiliated by his father, who roamed the sidelines at home games shouting at the coaches and officials. All that did was sour the kid on a game he loved.
* Don’t expect your child to be perfect. They will forget equipment or get practice times mixed up. That’s not such a bad thing because it will teach them about responsibility and consequences. The coach will take care of the discipline.
* Finally, make sure your children know the importance of playing by the rules. Winning is not important unless it’s done without cheating.
Parents can either enhance their child’s enjoyment of sports or ruin it. In my role as coach, I will only suggest that you parents might want to clip this and put it on your refrigerator door.
Now let’s everybody get out there and have a great season.
Billy Reed, a regular NKyTribune columnist, is a member of the U.S. Basketball Writers Hall of Fame, the Kentucky Journalism Hall of Fame, the Kentucky Athletic Hall of Fame and the Transylvania University Hall of Fame. He has been named Kentucky Sports Writer of the Year eight times and has won the Eclipse Award twice. Reed has written about a multitude of sports events for over four decades, but he is perhaps one of media’s most knowledgeable writers on the Kentucky Derby.