Bill Straub: If we are going to turn a blind eye to plight of refugees, a ‘Modest Proposal’ may work

It should be noted, first of all, that America never really wanted to house any of these Syrian refugees in the first place. Consideration was granted only because, through some quirk of fate, a fellow Muslim happens to reside in the White House with the goal of turning this once great nation into an Islamic caliphate. What better way to achieve that goal than to import untold millions of Allah worshipers?

These people reek of falafel. They actually eat eggplant – how disgusting can a people get? Their alphabet, if that’s what it is, is an incompressible mishmash of squiggly lines. It’s no wonder we can’t communicate with them. But most of all, of course, they don’t pray to the proper deity. Stated simply, they are not the acceptable sort of retched refuse we want crossing over on to our teeming shores.

And by recent count there are 9 million of them out there. That’s 9 million terrorists to deal with, sheeple, minus the Christians, of course. Every single one of them is suspect – the babies, the young girls – and yet the Kenyan pretender wants to bring 10,000 of these lowlifes to America, claiming the process already takes 18 to 24 months and applicants are required to gain the approval of the State Department, the Department of Homeland Security, the Defense Department, the National Counterterrorism Center and the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Not enough

Unfortunately, that’s just not enough. Permitting one widow or orphan from Syria to pass our border is too much, too dangerous. You know how sneaky those Muslims are.

At least some of our fellow Americans, being “enlightened’’ as they are, feel sorry for the poor beggars, although it should be obvious to one and all that they should have just remained in Syria and withstood the massive killings and head loppings that are a sacred rite in that part of the world. After a while you can learn to live in terror and the realization that your loved ones face a constant threat, not to mention a lack of food and water. Sometimes you simply have to buck up a bit, stiff upper lip and all that.

Through all this, Sen. Rand Paul, R-Kentucky, well on his way to becoming the next president of these United States, has emerged as the long sought after irreplaceable man. He is leading the congressional fight to keep the pita eaters behind razor wire without hope and removed from our national consciousness. Without any regard for his own political future, Rand (may I call you Rand?) has filed legislation to suspend the issuance of visas for folks coming from countries like Syria with a high risk of terrorism.

“The time has come to stop terrorists from walking in our front door,’’ Rand declared, adding that his bill “will press pause on new refugee entrants from high-risk countries until stringent new screening procedures are in place.’’

Now Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is finally hopping on board, calling for a “pause or moratorium’’ (read: till hell freezes over) in the resettling of these same Syrian refugees.

All of this, of course, leaves thousands of terrified people – like the 3-year-old Syrian boy whose body was washed up on a Turkish beach in early September – with few options.

Good.

Unlike the brave stance taken by Rand, Kentucky Gov. Steve Beshear declared that he would be pleased to invite some of these unwanted exiles to the Bluegrass, blubbering about “women and children and people who are in desperate need, and if America needs to help out, we will help out.’’ Yadda yadda yadda. Thank God – our God, the right one – that Matt Bevin is about to step in to replace this bleeding heart and protect the commonwealth from the Muslim hordes.

Despite his good work, Rand’s proposal falls short. Television undoubtedly will force-feed us the banshee wails of these Syrian refugees, rounded up like so much cattle, as another child dies, disturbing our peaceful existence. Like with other challenges facing the world, opportunity presents itself. Instead of being a burden to the world, these refugees can be made beneficial to the public at large.

I propose to provide for them in such a manner as instead of being a charge upon the U.S. or elsewhere, or wanting food and raiment for the rest of their lives, they shall on the contrary contribute to the feeding, and partly to the clothing, of many thousands.

Consider this

My plan, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection, addresses the refugee situation, world hunger and overpopulation of the planet all at the same time.

You can thank me later.

After thorough study, I have been assured that a young healthy child well-nursed is at 1 year old a most delicious, nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.

I propose we start our feed-the-world process with the Syrian children rather than the adults since, after all, lamb is sweeter than mutton, unless, like me, you happen to be a connoisseur of Western Kentucky BBQ, in which case accommodations certainly must be made.

Other issues will arise from disingenuous naysayers. There might be some rumbling about keeping halal, the Islamic dietary laws, but the concept is certainly open for negotiations. Given the worldwide good that can be achieved, it would be a shame to let a small detail like this stand in the way, especially over a religious rite good Christians wholeheartedly reject.

The biggest issue, of course, could be the choice of wine. Not the color — a nice Chianti would go well with the nourishment so obligingly provided by these Syrian children, perhaps with a side of fava beans. But would it be rude, since Muslims are prohibited from partaking of alcoholic beverages, to imbibe while the future generation of Syria is being consumed? Well, their condition would render it impossible for them to object. So a dry white it is.

I’m telling you, this is a win-win-win situation, folks. It not only provides a new food source to feed the hungry but it will put these poor Muslim children out of their misery – they won’t have to face starvation, depravation, disease or terrorism or the fact that these great United States has turned its back on them because they will have died for a grand cause.

But the greatest benefit of all, of course, is that the fine citizens of the United States will no longer have their heartstrings pulled, won’t have to worry about the horrors facing these folks, won’t have to listen to some dope insisting that ignoring these ragamuffins is not the American way, that it’s immoral and reprehensible.

Good riddance to bad rubbish. Once again we can live in peace, as Roger Waters and David Gilmour said, comfortably numb.