“Tears and loss and broken dreams
May find your heart at dusk.”
– Carl Sandburg
When my Uncle Jim used to say, “There’s nothing like advice from a childless wife,” Aunt Marge would roll her eyes and hold back a smirk. She did not respond because she was confident that her advice was solid and her insight was reliable.
After Uncle Jim died, Marge was in her eighties and on her own. A trained nurse for decades, she took care of her husband through several strokes, armed with her wry sense of humor and tireless energy. Once she finally laid her spouse to rest, she found herself less able. Cooking, cleaning, keeping track of the bills, dealing with the aftermath of her husband’s death, living in the city — all became burdens she could not shoulder alone. Finally, she moved back to Canada, where several loving grandnieces and nephews accompanied her on her own journey home.
Thinking about Aunt Marge led me to memories of my mother, the indomitable Emily Kelly Alexander, who had taken care of herself from the time she quit school at sixteen to go to work and support herself. Midway into her seventies, she finally retired from her job as an accountant with the State of New Jersey. After she retired, she lived for almost ten more years.
During one of our last telephone conversations, Mother confessed, “I don’t think I can take care of myself anymore.”
Lugging the vacuum out of the closet, keeping her apartment clean, grocery shopping and cooking were increasingly onerous. Shortly after that call, Mother had a stroke. She spent the last two years of her life in a nursing home, no longer in charge of her memory or anything else.
A recent New York Times article sparked these thoughts with a headline that asked: “Who will care for ‘Kinless’ seniors?”
“Kinless” is defined as not having a partner or spouse or biological children.
Now that I am officially a “kinless” senior, the headline got my attention. With no children, siblings all older than I am, nieces, nephews, and stepsons scattered about the country, I am kinless and eager to identify local resources available to people like me.
When I spoke to Mark McLemore, executive director of the Murray-Calloway County Senior Citizens Center, he offered encouragement and support. He described his organization as “striving to engage seniors. We want to get people out of the house,” he declared.
To breach the loneliness of aging with or without a partner McLemore credited the Center he runs as “an outstanding outlet to re-engage with acquaintances and develop new friendships.”
McLemore sees the work of the Senior Center as a ministry that offers services and support for people over 55. The weekly calendar is well-stocked with regular activities and services. Meals on Wheels, for instance, serves 306 clients.
In the current economy, according to McLemore, “People are struggling financially, having a hard time making ends meet.”
Providing food through Meals on Wheels is just “part of what we do,” he said.
“It’s a hard reality,” he went on. “At some point, most of us will need some sort of support mechanism.”
He reviewed a schedule of daily activities, from a writing group to billiards, a book group, etc. At lunchtime, seniors enjoy a meal at a minimal cost.
“Right now,” he explained, “we have seven playing Pickleball downstairs.”
Many needs of seniors, kinless or not, are addressed at the Murray center. Caregivers find encouragement and empathy at monthly meetings of the Alzheimer’s & Other Dementia Support Group, the first Thursday of every month from 10 to 11 a.m.
Being prepared for aging can avert some of the bleakest outcomes. According to the Family Matters blog, the services seniors need most include cleaning and home maintenance, mobility assistance, personal care help with bathing and dressing, transportation, medication management, and nutrition assistance.
The first step for elders, kinless or otherwise, might be to check out the local Senior Citizens Center. In Murray, Mark McLemore assured me the clients are “thriving.”
They come in and they feel loved,” he concluded. “People are engaged.