By Steve Flairty
NKyTribune columnist
Well, football season has started, but I know plenty of Kentuckians, such as my wife, who don’t really care that much about the gridiron sport, or, at least, know little about it. Considering some common terms used in talking about football, here’s what might come to the minds of those who take a “pass” on football:
• Quarterback. It’s the good faith money returned to the shopper after using a shopping cart at the neighborhood Aldi’s grocery.
• Forward pass. Oh yeah, Forward Pass. Wasn’t he the horse named the 1968 Kentucky Derby winner after Dancer’s Image was disqualified?
• Extra point. It’s that last argument made in a political argument on Facebook, notably before one decides to unfriend, or, at least, snooze, the perpetrator of such obnoxiousness.
• Holding. What a young mother does with her three-month-old when the child wakes up at 3:30 in the morning.
• Running back. While out wandering around, it’s what I was seen doing as a ten-year-old when Mom called “Supper time!” and I knew we were having hamburgers and French fries.
• Fumble. What one does while searching for spare change in one’s purse or pants pocket. Typically happens while eight impatient customers watch and wait behind you in the Kroger checkout line.
• Screen pass. It’s a free ticket to a movie, likely a low-budget one. Beats not seeing a show at all, doesn’t it?
• Fair catch. Three bass, six bluegills, and a couple of catfish at Cave Run Lake is a pretty “fair catch,” don’t you think?
• Touchdown. Where one of those springtime tornadoes comes all the way to the ground, sounding like a freight train as it approaches. A “point after touchdown” (PAT) means directing the local newsman to the place on the ground it landed.
• Lineman. That good guy who gets our cable turned back on to watch a sport that one actually likes. A “down lineman” is one who called in sick.
• Tackle. Stuff taken to a neighbor’s pond to use for fishing.
• Man in motion. What one sees on camera after package has been stolen from one’s front porch.
• Shotgun formation. When two or more stand beside each other while game-hunting.
• Two-point conversion. When one dramatically changes both their religious and political views.
• Pass interference. While driving in heavy work traffic, speeding up so that guy behind won’t try to get around one’s car. It’s usually a test of alpha-male manhood, but women have been known to do likewise.
• Neutral zone. The place individuals at Thanksgiving family dinners sit when they don’t want to talk about politics. Generally, away from Uncle Larry.
• NFL. An acronym describing duration of a visit to one’s mother-in-law’s home . . . meaning “not for long.”
• Scramble. One way to prepare eggs for breakfast. You might also fry them or even poach them.
• Clipping. Referring to what one must do to one’s fingers or toenails when they grow too long. Best to do when no one is close by.
• Blocking. What a Mercedes driver parked diagonally is doing to one’s rightly deserved space driving a Chevy. “Blocking back” refers to the action one takes in response, an example being sitting two shopping carts behind the Mercedes and leaving a strident note on their windshield.
• Kickoff. A special event to start one’s church’s Vacation Bible School week in June. Usually, someone dresses in an outrageous suit, makes a cutesy announcement, and the youth department serves pizza afterwards—with Kool-Aid.
• Clock management. Also known as “poor clock management,” is when angry drivers ride one’s bumper in the morning because they got up from bed late and now are trying to get to work on time.
• Encroachment. This situation happens when a nosy person tries to “encroach” upon one’s matters of privacy. Sometimes referred to as “out of bounds” behavior.
• Face mask. What some are still wearing, at least in abbreviated form, several years after the Covid pandemic.
• Field goal. The term used to describe the plans a farmer makes for what he/she hopes to accomplish on that day; i.e. “My ‘field goal’ is to get that half acre hoed by six ‘o’clock.”
• Flea flicker. Using one’s finger to flip those pesky bugs off one’s dog. Fido appreciates your efforts but will finally agree to a special bath to give him some relief from the scourge.
• Long snapper. A shortened name for a long-necked snapping turtle, one that Aunt Earline and Uncle Jimmy saw outside their hotel on their trip to Australia three years ago. They can’t figure out what the thing has to do with any sport, let alone football.
• Rush. What one does to arrive early at Penny’s clearance sale on purses.
• Overtime. What one calls time spent writing a bunch of silly groaners for a weekly column.
Note: To get over this silliness, one might treat themselves to a Super Bowl of one’s favorite ice cream. That, or contact an upholsterer to fix the torn fabric in one’s sofa where one’s husband exhibited football rage.
Make sure to put it on his bill.