By Steve Flairty
NKyTribune columnist
Ohio native but now Frankfort resident Jan Schiffer was raised by caring parents who had adopted her, and she will always appreciate what they did. Notably, she was unaware of her adoption until age six, when a younger cousin blurted out the adoption fact in a fit of anger while the two were riding tricycles. Confronted later by the young and confused Jan, her adoptive father reassured her that she was “chosen” and special to the family.
That solid reassurance bought her some manageable processing time — for a while.
But as she grew into mature adulthood, a deep hunger to learn about her birth parents and circumstances leading to her adoption grew. Her desire for what she termed “finding the rest of me” eventually spurred Jan to intense investigative action, leading to writing a riveting memoir about her journey, Finding the Rest of Me.
In her 157-page narrative, Schiffer has brought the disparate puzzle pieces together in sharing her search for her roots. She has done so in a heartfelt and engaging style. Along with discovering information about her birth parents, she learned about and shined light on the fascinating history of Friends Rescue Home, her birthplace she terms a “unique haven for unwed mothers in Columbus, Ohio.”
Schiffer’s work is a gift to those who walk a similar familial path in life and who long for direction in navigating the challenges of doing their own search.
So, after being spellbound by reading Finding the Rest of Me, I decided to ask Jan to share some further insights about the book and her passion for individuals raised by ones other than their birth parents.
FLAIRTY: In your journey to “find the rest of me,” were your motivations more about overcoming pain from the past or attaining the joy of personal discovery?
SCHIFFER: My motivation had everything to do with thanking the woman who safely brought me into this world and nothing to do with seeking a way to vanquish pain from having been adopted or attaining joy from personal discovery. I was exceedingly grateful to have been brought up in the family that chose me. A sense of joy followed as my journey unfolded because I experienced connectivity with, and acceptance from my biological family. Our shared DNA traits were undeniable, and I found comfort in that.
FLAIRTY: Describe your greatest obstacles in reaching the point of self-discovery (or close to it) that you’ve achieved as portrayed in your book.
SCHIFFER: Initially, the obstacle that was difficult to circumvent was maintaining privacy for my adoptive parents after reaching out to my biological mother. Both families lived in a town with a population of 45,000 residents. From the beginning, I was committed to keeping the two families separated because it was my choice to thank my biological mother, not my adoptive parents. I never wanted them to have to answer for my decision or feel less than or unwanted. My biological family watched my immediate family’s special occasions from a distance until my adoptive parents passed.
From time to time, finding where I fit into my biological family can be challenging. Thirty-eight years of life experiences separate us. I didn’t have one single childhood memory with them. I feel a bit out of place when those conversations about the past transpire. My biological family enjoys sharing wonderful, sometimes colorful memories of the past with me. I’m delighted when the stories flow because they give me a glimpse into the lives of family members I’ll never know or only knew briefly. However, a sense of sadness comes over me that feels like an obstacle to battle, even though we’ve collected a treasure trove of memories over the past thirty-three years.
FLAIRTY: It appears that your long journey to “find the rest of me” has turned out well. Were you prepared for the possibility that it may have turned out differently?
SCHIFFER: I was prepared to be unwelcomed. After all, my research indicated that my biological mother was married, but not to my biological father. I considered the fact that he may not know anything about me. A sibling may not have been informed. This news might have sent a shock wave of mistrust throughout the entire family. Thanking her was like a delicate procedure that had to be conducted properly in order to account for potential emotional damage that might ensue.
FLAIRTY: For those who also desire to find closure on the facts surrounding their birth parents, what general advice would you give them?
SCHIFFER: Please, consider your motivation as well as your goal(s). No one is perfect, so don’t expect a perfect outcome. There will be challenges and it’s important to understand not everyone is interested in reuniting, for a plethora of reasons. Rejection is a real possibility. After all, you are searching for them, not the other way around.
Check and double check your research. Make sure you can substantiate all of the information you’ve unearthed. It can be an exciting adventure, if done correctly.
Securing a birth certificate can be challenging, based on the type of adoption, open or closed, and the state in which it occurred. Fortunately, the internet provides so many valuable resources.
Be respectful of everyone involved in this decision. It’s not just about you and your motivation, need or goal. This process has the potential to bring people together or tear them apart. Perhaps an overused term, but still relevant. Be kind.
Enjoy the journey. Mine has been an exceptional one, and I’m so grateful to have taken it.
FLAIRTY: You appear to be a devout Christian. Explain what you mean by your frequent mention of being spiritually “nudged” to move forward?
SCHIFFER: I define a God nudge as that unmistakable prompting within our spirit to do or say something. Some call it a “God wink,” but mine feels more like an elbow punch in my side. I don’t hear an audible voice speaking to me, but the request is clearly communicated and easily deciphered. At least, that has been my experience. When I choose to respond to the nudge, there is a meaningful result.
I’ll share a recent example of a God nudge. Before my book was published, I’d given up hope of publishing it. Two well-intentioned editors didn’t follow through, and I decided to dismiss both of them. I began to think I wasn’t supposed to publish it and set it aside.
One day at a meeting, I was prompted to ask an author for his recommendation. I was hesitant to ask, but that feeling would not cease. He eagerly gave me the name of a lady he thought would work well with me. To be honest, my mindset wasn’t “the third time’s a charm.” As it turned out, she edited it in record time, and we’ve become good friends. God nudges. I’m a huge fan of them.
FLAIRTY: Do you believe society has moved in a healthier direction from the “Greatest Generation” era when certain familial items were not brought into the open? What’s the status of today’s homes for unwed mothers?
SCHIFFER: As with any societal change, there is good and bad attached to it, depending on your perspective. In my opinion, open communication is essential for the birth mother. Not only is her body physically reeling from all the changes, but so is her emotional stability.
In the “Greatest Generation” era and into the 70s, girls were banned from attending school and sent away with limited information. Imagine staying in an unfamiliar place with strangers dictating the rules while in their care, delivering a baby you may or may not ever hold, followed by the deafening silence regarding the whole ordeal when you return home.
In contrast, our current society allows an unwed mother to stay in school, they may or may not go to a maternity home, they have many choices regarding their unborn child’s life, and they aren’t shunned when they return to their home.
Sometimes the pendulum of social mores goes too far in one direction, but it would seem healthier to experience the later environment.
Unwed mothers’ homes are now referred to as maternity homes. Traditionally, most are faith-based and offer the unwed mother support, before and after her delivery. In addition to housing, some provide counselors, teach parenting, budgeting and life skills.
There appears to be a resurgence of these homes since the Supreme Court overturned the Roe vs. Wade decision. I’ve read there are more than 400 maternity homes in the USA.
Copies of Finding the Rest of Me can be purchased from the author at jan.schiffer28@gmail.com, Amazon.com, or Poor Richard’s Bookstore in Frankfort. For more general information about the book, visit the Finding the Rest of Me Facebook page.